Young Women Need to Be Selective not Selected

As you know, if you’ve read my very first post, that I share joint custody of my two girls with my ex.  Just recently, the jerk that is my ex husband decided to quit working so that his parenting time wouldn’t be reduced to only weekends.  This resulted in the judge ’awarding’ us 50/50 parenting time.  So now, I have the girls from Saturday to Wednesday (4 nights) and he has Wednesday to Saturday (3 nights). 

It is awful.  He picks up the girls after school on Wednesdays so that we do not have to interact with each other.  Which is great, however, it gives me only an hour with them in the morning at the breakfast table before school.

Whenever I drop them off at school and I drive home it’s like a deafening silence.  The girls were just in the car with me singing and passing the lip gloss around and then all of a sudden within a matter of seconds they’re gone . . . and I don’t see them again for 3 days. 

Oh and did I mention that he has since gone back to work.  He doesn’t get home now til 7pm and his parents pick up the girls from school and babysit them until he gets home.

I would not wish this feeling on anyone.   It is by far the worst thing I’ve ever had to endure.  Yes, even worse than the stressful process of trying to get divorced.

Anyways, the point of this post today is if I could reach at least one young woman who is very anxiously awaiting the hot date she has this weekend to remember one thing:  Don’t hope that he selects you – be the one doing the selecting!

Because that is my message.  We women, and yes I have felt this way too, get so excited and hope that the guy ’picks’ us that we forget that the whole thing is up to us. 

We sit back and constantly complain about these men in our lives but we’re the ones that picked them.   Set your standards high and then uphold them!   Be picky!  Because if you don’t you will wake up one day in my very same shoes!

We need to value ourselves above any relationship we might have.  When I was 18, I was lost (like most 18 years olds).  I didn’t know what the heck I wanted to do with my life or where I would be in 5 years.  And because I didn’t, the first guy that I “let” come into my life was my ex.  I didn’t have the wisdom to know what I wanted out of life yet or more importantly, what I didn’t want in my life.   If it were now and a person like him came up to me I wouldn’t give him the time of day. 

It did take me 2 months of him asking me out to give him a chance.  I told him over and over that he was way too young for me (even though he was a year older).  I liked older guys and I didn’t know why.  I was still a virgin at the time.  And every guy I tried to date wanted to have sex on the first date!  At least I had enough sense back then not to but that was just Catholic guilt engraved into my head!

A couple months later after he so patiently waited, I lost my virginity to him.  He was unlike all the other guys so I really thought he was a keeper.   Long story short, 3 years after having the high school kind of relationship I never had I got pregnant. 

I don’t regret the decisions I made.  I am not in the business of doing that.  My message is to look at dating in a new way.  Have fun but don’t get serious with anyone until you have dated them for at least a year and a half.  And don’t even think of getting married if you’re still in your twenties! 

If I had stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids (that’s garbage by the way!) like so many people do I would not be where I am today.  I have a healthy relationship with someone whom I love, trust and admire and now I have the family I always wanted. 

An Ode to Stay At Home Moms!

This is for all you Stay-At-Home Mom’s out there… 

I don’t get much time these days to do this (being a SAHM and all) but I love it when I can sit down while the baby is sleeping and read a good book! 

Recently, I have been feeling a little negative about my current situation and trying to find some creative outlet (besides blogging!) that I could do in my spare time.  Then, while catching bits and pieces of the Today Show last week I heard what sounded like a knowledgable voice talking about how we should be praising the “Stay At Home Mom” and it got my attention.   

Author, Dr. Laura Schlessinger was speaking to Meredith Vieira about how SAHM’s really get a bad reputation but they should instead be given credit to forming the next generation of people. 

Me, being in need of an ego boost and an internal pep rally, went right out to Barnes & Noble to get this book.  I finished reading it the next day and I truly loved it.  It was the pick-me-up I wanted and so badly needed.

Yes, there are parts that sound a bit 1950’s but when you cut to the core of what she is trying to say it all makes sense and it is very truthful.   SAHM’s put their families as priority #1 and we rarely get credit for it.   After all, these are the women who are choosing to take responsibility for the choice they made to have a child and want to actually be there to raise that child with our own morals and views of right and wrong instead of a minimum wage day care worker.

We are also perceived as being unintelligent, lazy and/or unmotivated.  But we’re not.  We are not lazy since we know being a Mom is work 24/7,  not just 8-5  and we’re not unintelligent.  We are trying to share our intelligence and instill it in this brand new beautiful mind we’ve created.  We want to be there to teach our children the morals we grew up with, our beliefs, our truths, and our knowledge of the world so that when they are presented with a choice that could dramatically change their life they will be equipped with the skills needed to make an “intelligent” decision. 

To me, it is extremely smart to choose to be there for your children and one of the best and most important decisions a woman can make.

I am very aware of the women who have to work due to financial situations and I’m not saying we should accept just cooking, cleaning, and taking care of children all day as a means that defines us.  So please don’t be offended by what I’m saying.  If you have a skill, a talent or a dream by all means fulfill it!  But rearrange your goals and dreams around your children, not the other way around.  They are only in our care for 18 years!  In the bigger picture of life, that is not very long!  Make the most of it!

What I enjoyed most about the book is the letters and emails from other Moms that the author shared.  Heartfelt and uplifting true life stories of other moms and children brought tears to my eyes many times throughout the book.

Most importantly, it inspired me.   As I was reading it, I couldn’t wait for the baby to wake up from his nap and the girls to walk in the door from school. 

There are days I get so frustrated I want to pull my hair out, getting upset over something so miniscule, or that certain things didn’t get done that day or I am so totally exhausted by the end of the day that I think to myself that any other job would be a pleasant relief.  But then I remember there were also so many moments I would never trade in for any other job on the planet:

Those moments when your child gives you a smile or just a look of sheer happiness, moments when they would give you a kiss, a hug, or just hold your hand for no reason, or one that just happened to me the other day:  my daughter told me that when she grew up she wanted to be just like me!

Those are the moments a mother treasures forever in her heart.  They cannot be replaced.

No, SAHM’s don’t get a paycheck at the end of a very hard week.  We get hugs, kisses and an immense joy that fill our hearts so deep that money feels like… well,  just that …. money.

As I Turn 30

I became 30 years old last August, however, I have not come to grips with it yet.  Yes, I’ve accomplished a lot.  I went to college (or shall I say ‘visited’), I have met some wonderful, very special people and I have 3 beautiful children along with a wonderful life in suburbia but still . . . I have had a hard time accepting that my twenties are over. 

I guess because I got pregnant at such a young age I was forced to grow up sooner than I thought I would have to.  I always thought I was missing out.  Having 2 babies by the time I was 23 a lot of my friends were single with no children.  

But now I’m realizing I have an advantage:   my kids will be out of the house by the time I’m 40!  (Well, at least my oldest will!) 

I never imagined in my twenties that when I would reach 30 I would look back with such disappointment in myself. 

Not until social networking sites such as Facebook and classmates.com did I realize that most everyone I grew up with has started their own families and they also live in suburbia.  The only difference between us is they hung out and drank more alcohol than I did! 

 

 

 

In recent weeks, I have reconnected with old crushes, class clowns, and friends I had that I thought back then would never disappear out of my life.  

I just spoke with an old friend from high school that disappeared 6 months before we graduated.  No one knew where he went or why he never said goodbye.  Fourteen years later I get an email that he is requesting confirmation that we’re “friends” on Facebook.  I immediately accepted and he explained that his parents had a falling out and then he chose to enlist in the army when he turned 18 (6 months before our graduation).

He met someone a month later and they had a son within that very same year.  I mention him because he and I were very close all through high school.  Then our junior year he dated a very close friend of mine.  When they broke up, he asked me out.  I won’t deny that I considered it.  I knew him long before they were together and I was the one who introduced them.  And even though at times he and I got along better than they did, I reluctantly declined out of respect for my friend. 

However, I haven’t spoken to her for 13 years!  So had I foreseen that, I probably would’ve said yes to him and then I would be a military wife right now with 4 kids living in Orange County. 

   The little choices we make in life end up paving our destiny.   And you don’t even realize it when it’s happening.   So I will begin to embrace my 30’s and look at my twenties as the learning curve.  In the words of Matthew McConaughey, “years are just something from a calendar”.