Discipline and Co-parenting

Disciplining children can be hard enough as it is in a traditional family.  But add divorce, joint custody and getting remarried to the equation and it makes it even more difficult.

The girl’s father was very lazy, nothing bothered him and it took pulling teeth and ultimatums to get him to lift a finger.  Now I’m in a relationship that is quite the opposite:  Frank does things way before I even need to ask.  The problem with this type of personality though is that he is ‘Johnny on the Spot’ when it comes to my girls and the proper discipline.

I’m from the school that no one disciplines your children except their own parents (unless of course they’re staying at someone else’s home and the parents aren’t around). 

Frank is from the school that anyone can and should take matters into their own hands.  [I don't mean literally.  Neither one of us has never laid a hand on any of the kids.]

For example, this just happened the other day, Frank and I stayed up way later than we normally do watching movies and then the following morning Frankie woke up and we didn’t hear him cry.  Kaitlyn’s room is right next to his so she went in his room, took him out of his crib and brought the baby into her room to play with the idea that she was helping us out. 

Me, being the lover of all things sleep, loved this.  I’ve allowed her to do this in the past, either by me asking her to go get him or vice versa so I’ve seen her take him out of the crib many times and she’s never had a problem.  Plus, if she had a hard time taking him out and accidentally hurt his legs or something he would not hesitate to cry.  But that scenario has never happened.

So I wake up with Frank walking into our room with the baby and he said “Did you know Kaitlyn takes the baby out of the crib?”  I said yes and thought that would be the end of it.  He then says “I don’t want her taking him out of the crib unless she asks us first and we say its ok”.  To which I replied ok and went back to sleep.

The next day as we’re all sitting around the table having lunch and Kaitlyn tells Frank something funny that happened that morning and Frank asked if she got the baby out of the crib.  Her and I both said yes.  He got pretty upset and said he didn’t want her to do it anymore.  I told him I recalled that he didn’t want her to do it without getting permission first.  He then said no, he doesn’t want her doing it at all.  He explained that he doesn’t feel she’s strong enough and didn’t think it was a good idea.  Then I got upset that he was doing this in front of the children and not allowing me a say in this.  I explained that if the baby was getting hurt he would cry as she was pulling him out of the crib, etc.

The most frustrating aspect of all of this is that he and I (like all parents) are supposed to be a united front.  So we can’t argue about it in front of the children.  But at the same time, pressing issues need to be dealt with immediately so the kids understand the consequences of their actions right away.

The other reason this hit home a little too much is because just a couple weeks ago, the girl’s father told me that the girls tell him that I do ‘whatever Frank says’.  This absolutely boggled my mind, first, because supposedly it came from the girls and second, I do not do as I’m told.  I never have.  So this was a complete shocker.  Now I know that my ex loves to say stuff to get under my skin and he never has a nice thing to say about Frank but the thing that cut to the core of me was wondering if that was really the girl’s perception of me?  Now I know they’re only 7 and 6 but still.  He also told me that the girls tell him that I make Frank his dinner and his drinks.  I told my ex that this is coming from our children and that I make dinner and get drinks for everyone.  I also added that I used to make dinner and drinks for him and I too when we were together.  It was then that he realized what I was saying (or at least pretended to).

So after this heated moment at the dinner table all of these thoughts started running through my mind.  And all I kept wondering was what the girls were thinking.  So since Frank raised his voice I decided to raise mine.  I told him “I did not appreciate him talking to me that way, especially in front of the children and I wanted an apology.”  He started to apologize right then but I said I wasn’t done yet.  I then said “if you have a problem with how I do things around here talk to me about it behind closed doors where we can resolve it between the two of us.”  He told me (in front of the children) that I was right and that he was sorry… and then everyone was silent for the next few minutes.

Now this isn’t, of course, the least or worst of examples.  It was just the most recent.  We’ve always had this problem about discipline.  He thinks I’m not consistent enough and I think he’s too harsh.  We’ve been to plenty of parenting classes due to horrendous allegations by my ex where we learned that you have to tell a child 2000 times each behavior you’re trying to correct. 

Last month, my youngest daughter got all her toys taken away by Frank because he’s had to tell her too many times to pick up her toys after she’s done playing with them.  And he did this when I wasn’t home.  Now I understand that there should have been some form of consequence but I thought taking away all her toys was way over the top.  I also don’t think that he, being the soon-to-be-Stepdad, should be the disciplinarian.  And many counselors and other people in the field we’ve spoken to agree with me on that.

But he disagrees.  He doesn’t believe he should’ve waited til I got home to let me handle it.

Anyways, the point of me sharing this is to try and figure out if I’m alone in this.  I can’t be.  But does every blended family household go through this?  Or anything remotely similar?  Did anyone grow up in a broken home?  What were your experiences?  How would you have handled either scenario differently?

Blended Families and How to Cope

Blended families is a subject that people don’t like to talk about but statistically we know our society is going through.  With fifty percent of new marriages ending in divorce I’m surprised this topic isn’t being talked about every day in the media.  Fifty percent is a very scary figure.  Especially for someone like myself, who comes from a broken home and has already been married once.

Currently, I am engaged.  (If you want to get to know me real quick click here.)   There’s a lot more to me than the fact that I have two children from a previous marriage and one child with my fiance.

Frank, my fiance, is an authoritative person naturally.  He is very loud whether he’s happy, sad, angry or even sneezing.  Myself, on the other hand, have a hard time being heard even if I’m standing a foot away from the person I’m talking to!  I am also considerably more laid back than him.  I grew up in a somewhat affluent neighborhood in Scottsdale and Frank is from a small town in New York.  However, he is Italian.  His father was born and raised in Palermo, Italy and his mother is a first generation American but both her parents are from Northern Italy.   So, small town or not, he has very traditional values.  On top of this, the neighborhood he grew up in (and didn’t leave until he was 20) was nothing even close to middle class.  The stories he tells about prostitution outside his bedroom window and the segregation he witnessed as a small child in the 70’s makes you assume he grew up on the streets of Brooklyn! 

But the values instilled in him were a strong work ethic, play little, save more, spend less, expect a lot, trust no one except your own immediate family, be true to your word, and leave a legacy behind that your children will be proud of.   There is nothing wrong with most of those values.  But those values are very rare to find in Arizona.  The people here are generally known as laid back, non-confrontational, care-free and more about family than we are about work ethics.  There is also an 8 year age difference between Frank and I – him being older.

When you put the two of us together it creates a wonderful balance.  But when it comes to the children we have very different levels of patience, tolerance and our ideals as parents. 

Now that you understand a bit on where we both are coming from I can tell you that the hardest part of being in a blended family is when it comes to discipline.  He thinks he should be able to discipline the girls on the spot right when he sees it.  We have seen several therapists who have all told him it’s best for him to tell me so that I can do the disciplinary action.  That’s’ how it was when I was growing up with my stepdad.  He would never have stepped over my Mom to discipline me.  If he had I would have laughed at him but that’s because I was much older than my girls are.  I was a teenager. 

On the other hand though, I do see the side that Frank is on.  It’s his house, he needs to be respected also.  But the thing is that I share custody with my ex husband.  So their father is very much in their lives (3 days a week).  Which makes it hard for Frank at all levels because they already have a Dad.

The girls don’t see (or hear) how bad of a father their real Dad is because I have never vented that frustration to them.  They don’t know why their father has lived with his parents ever since we split, or why he hasn’t had a vehicle for the past 4 years.  They don’t know why they eat mustard sandwiches at their Dad’s house (not kidding – he actually fed that to them) and steak at Mommy’s.  Frank works tirelessly so that I can be home with the kids even though that was never our plan.  But three years ago when I went to my attorney seeking more custody he told me that the best way to guarantee that was to quit my job and stay home.  At the time, my ex was working very long hours but by the time the trial came around he quit working and told the Judge he was in school.  The end result gave me the ridiculous outcome we have now. 

Also, to show you the extent of evil we have had to endure by my ex, he maliciously accused Frank of striking my youngest daughter in the face with his fist.  (She was four at the time and you could tell her that the sky was red and she would think that the sky was red).  This incident happened on Memorial Day two years ago – a day before his contempt hearing.  Memorial Day weekend in Arizona is known to be spent either in a pool or a nearby lake.  The girls were in three different pools during the long weekend and Britney is very fair skinned.  She had what doctors later diagnosed her with as contact dermatitis caused by pool chlorine.  When their father picked them up he saw 2 small red blotches under her eye, then went to the grocery store, went home to his mother who immediately saw an opportunity to drive a wrench right through my heart and my family so they called 911 (3 hours after the exchange).  Frank was then arrested within 90 minutes.

Then because the contempt hearing was the very next day, the Judge would not hear anything about this new accusation.  She wanted to set an exclusive hearing for just this accusation but didn’t see that it was an urgent matter so she immediately ordered Frank not be at home when the kids were there.  Then on Father’s Day we found out I was pregnant with Frankie!  To add to it, I was already four months along with a due date in December.

My attorney wanted a clean custody case so he was working only on my custody case and wanted a criminal attorney to handle this other accusation.  This in itself, pushed the process even longer because the criminal attorney we hired had much worse cases he was dealing with.  Long dramatic story short, Frank was gone for 6 months and both judges (in the criminal court and family court) ruled that my ex acted with “malice intent” and proved without a doubt that Frank never struck Britney in any way shape or form.

It was hard to see any silver lining in the clouds during that difficult time.  But after it was all over we realized that those 6 months did wonders for us as a family unit.  Prior to this, the girls never had a chance to miss Frank.  Both girls would draw him pictures, write him letters, tell me to tell him the sweet things they say about him.  He came home the day before Thanksgiving and when I went to go get the girls and bring them home to him they jumped out of the car, ran inside and jumped into Frank’s arms and didn’t let go for what seemed like an eternity.  Every one of us cried, (especially me being 8 months pregnant)! 

This goes to show you the good in Frank’s heart and also that he is still by our sides willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family in tact.  We battle daily the pessimistic behavior that the girls witness at their Dad’s house so we’ve learned that as long as he and I are a united front that we will end up coming out on top … hopefully the girls will take after us.  And we never talk bad about their father … in front of them. 

Blended families can survive.  Since he came home, we implemented family night every Monday (but no, we are not Mormon).  The girls love it.  I also started taking them somewhere on Saturday nights when I get them back from their father.  That way it gives them something to look forward to while they’re gone and it also makes them anxious to come home!    As far as discipline goes we have a ‘chore board’ that we update each week.  This makes it easy for us to keep track of “wages earned” (we don’t call it an allowance because that implies they are entitled to it) and also if chores don’t get done there is a corresponding consequence.  We have very much a team oriented home with everyone accountable and responsible for holding up their end of the bargain.  The girls feel needed and they know what is expected of them.

I am blessed to have Frank in my/our life and I know that the girls will come to realize the same thing in time.  Together we’ll do this.  I know we can.  I have learned to be more constant and unwavering in regards to disciplining and he has learned to tolerate more and recognize that with children you have to tell them everything at least 2000 times before they’ll remember it!

This family will not be a failed statistic.  Guaranteed! 

 

 

 

 

If you’re not tired of my stories please read:  Young Women Need to be Selective, not Selected and/or An Ode to Stay at Home Moms.

Nothing Feels Better Than Family

2008 was a hard year for millions of people.  Many of us probably are still struggling with finances and wondering if our jobs are safe.

What better time is it to reconnect with our families?  Spend more time at home playing games with your kids or just go for a walk with them.   Read books, go outside or just ’hang out’ with them?  What would your children say to you if you were 100% there for them with no distractions? 

The next time they go to their room, go with them and just be there for them.  Just sit there with them and do nothing but watch them until they start interacting with you. 

Depending on their age they might hand you a toy (2-3 year olds), they might want you to play ‘make believe’ with them (4-5 year olds), or they might just say something so astoundingly astute to you such as ”our democracy is a great thing, except for the part about letting anyone vote” (6-7 year olds).  And yes,  my 7 1/2 year old daughter really said that.  It was last October during election season!  We laughed so hard.

Anywho, what do you think your children would say to you if they noticed you sitting there for 5 minutes just totally focused on them?

Remember when our children were babies and we would just sit on the floor with them and watch them explore?  Remember their sincere delight when they noticed you were sitting there just for them?  Our children still need that closeness. 

Something that I found that works really well to break the ice is right after dinner go around the table and start with the youngest and play the ‘high/low’ game.  Their high is what made them smile the most that day, and their low is what made them sad or unhappy that day.  I wish I could take credit for this idea but I can’t.  It came from the movie “Story of Us” with Michelle Pheifer and Bruce Willis.  Love that movie and I still cry every time I watch it!

Also, don’t neglect your spouse.  They need one on one time as well.  Get the kids to bed a little earlier tonight and make a separate dinner under candle light for just the 2 of you.

I’m feeling a little mushy tonight because today we had a family photo shoot with the photographer who’s going to shoot our wedding.  It was supposed to be an engagement session but we already got that done so we wanted to include the kids.

We met Jennifer from O’Grace Photography at the Fairmont Scottsdale Princess

                                                            

and she took some really great photos.  She’s big on candid shots and so am I so I can’t wait to see all the images.  I’ll post some once I get them.

Have a great week everyone!