Blended Families and How to Cope

Blended families is a subject that people don’t like to talk about but statistically we know our society is going through.  With fifty percent of new marriages ending in divorce I’m surprised this topic isn’t being talked about every day in the media.  Fifty percent is a very scary figure.  Especially for someone like myself, who comes from a broken home and has already been married once.

Currently, I am engaged.  (If you want to get to know me real quick click here.)   There’s a lot more to me than the fact that I have two children from a previous marriage and one child with my fiance.

Frank, my fiance, is an authoritative person naturally.  He is very loud whether he’s happy, sad, angry or even sneezing.  Myself, on the other hand, have a hard time being heard even if I’m standing a foot away from the person I’m talking to!  I am also considerably more laid back than him.  I grew up in a somewhat affluent neighborhood in Scottsdale and Frank is from a small town in New York.  However, he is Italian.  His father was born and raised in Palermo, Italy and his mother is a first generation American but both her parents are from Northern Italy.   So, small town or not, he has very traditional values.  On top of this, the neighborhood he grew up in (and didn’t leave until he was 20) was nothing even close to middle class.  The stories he tells about prostitution outside his bedroom window and the segregation he witnessed as a small child in the 70’s makes you assume he grew up on the streets of Brooklyn! 

But the values instilled in him were a strong work ethic, play little, save more, spend less, expect a lot, trust no one except your own immediate family, be true to your word, and leave a legacy behind that your children will be proud of.   There is nothing wrong with most of those values.  But those values are very rare to find in Arizona.  The people here are generally known as laid back, non-confrontational, care-free and more about family than we are about work ethics.  There is also an 8 year age difference between Frank and I – him being older.

When you put the two of us together it creates a wonderful balance.  But when it comes to the children we have very different levels of patience, tolerance and our ideals as parents. 

Now that you understand a bit on where we both are coming from I can tell you that the hardest part of being in a blended family is when it comes to discipline.  He thinks he should be able to discipline the girls on the spot right when he sees it.  We have seen several therapists who have all told him it’s best for him to tell me so that I can do the disciplinary action.  That’s’ how it was when I was growing up with my stepdad.  He would never have stepped over my Mom to discipline me.  If he had I would have laughed at him but that’s because I was much older than my girls are.  I was a teenager. 

On the other hand though, I do see the side that Frank is on.  It’s his house, he needs to be respected also.  But the thing is that I share custody with my ex husband.  So their father is very much in their lives (3 days a week).  Which makes it hard for Frank at all levels because they already have a Dad.

The girls don’t see (or hear) how bad of a father their real Dad is because I have never vented that frustration to them.  They don’t know why their father has lived with his parents ever since we split, or why he hasn’t had a vehicle for the past 4 years.  They don’t know why they eat mustard sandwiches at their Dad’s house (not kidding – he actually fed that to them) and steak at Mommy’s.  Frank works tirelessly so that I can be home with the kids even though that was never our plan.  But three years ago when I went to my attorney seeking more custody he told me that the best way to guarantee that was to quit my job and stay home.  At the time, my ex was working very long hours but by the time the trial came around he quit working and told the Judge he was in school.  The end result gave me the ridiculous outcome we have now. 

Also, to show you the extent of evil we have had to endure by my ex, he maliciously accused Frank of striking my youngest daughter in the face with his fist.  (She was four at the time and you could tell her that the sky was red and she would think that the sky was red).  This incident happened on Memorial Day two years ago – a day before his contempt hearing.  Memorial Day weekend in Arizona is known to be spent either in a pool or a nearby lake.  The girls were in three different pools during the long weekend and Britney is very fair skinned.  She had what doctors later diagnosed her with as contact dermatitis caused by pool chlorine.  When their father picked them up he saw 2 small red blotches under her eye, then went to the grocery store, went home to his mother who immediately saw an opportunity to drive a wrench right through my heart and my family so they called 911 (3 hours after the exchange).  Frank was then arrested within 90 minutes.

Then because the contempt hearing was the very next day, the Judge would not hear anything about this new accusation.  She wanted to set an exclusive hearing for just this accusation but didn’t see that it was an urgent matter so she immediately ordered Frank not be at home when the kids were there.  Then on Father’s Day we found out I was pregnant with Frankie!  To add to it, I was already four months along with a due date in December.

My attorney wanted a clean custody case so he was working only on my custody case and wanted a criminal attorney to handle this other accusation.  This in itself, pushed the process even longer because the criminal attorney we hired had much worse cases he was dealing with.  Long dramatic story short, Frank was gone for 6 months and both judges (in the criminal court and family court) ruled that my ex acted with “malice intent” and proved without a doubt that Frank never struck Britney in any way shape or form.

It was hard to see any silver lining in the clouds during that difficult time.  But after it was all over we realized that those 6 months did wonders for us as a family unit.  Prior to this, the girls never had a chance to miss Frank.  Both girls would draw him pictures, write him letters, tell me to tell him the sweet things they say about him.  He came home the day before Thanksgiving and when I went to go get the girls and bring them home to him they jumped out of the car, ran inside and jumped into Frank’s arms and didn’t let go for what seemed like an eternity.  Every one of us cried, (especially me being 8 months pregnant)! 

This goes to show you the good in Frank’s heart and also that he is still by our sides willing to do whatever it takes to keep our family in tact.  We battle daily the pessimistic behavior that the girls witness at their Dad’s house so we’ve learned that as long as he and I are a united front that we will end up coming out on top … hopefully the girls will take after us.  And we never talk bad about their father … in front of them. 

Blended families can survive.  Since he came home, we implemented family night every Monday (but no, we are not Mormon).  The girls love it.  I also started taking them somewhere on Saturday nights when I get them back from their father.  That way it gives them something to look forward to while they’re gone and it also makes them anxious to come home!    As far as discipline goes we have a ‘chore board’ that we update each week.  This makes it easy for us to keep track of “wages earned” (we don’t call it an allowance because that implies they are entitled to it) and also if chores don’t get done there is a corresponding consequence.  We have very much a team oriented home with everyone accountable and responsible for holding up their end of the bargain.  The girls feel needed and they know what is expected of them.

I am blessed to have Frank in my/our life and I know that the girls will come to realize the same thing in time.  Together we’ll do this.  I know we can.  I have learned to be more constant and unwavering in regards to disciplining and he has learned to tolerate more and recognize that with children you have to tell them everything at least 2000 times before they’ll remember it!

This family will not be a failed statistic.  Guaranteed! 

 

 

 

 

If you’re not tired of my stories please read:  Young Women Need to be Selective, not Selected and/or An Ode to Stay at Home Moms.

My Arms Are Tied

Joint custody is the worst possible ending to a dysfunctional relationship.  It’s like pouring gas on an out of control fire.  It’s just not a healthy resolution.  I realize the courts don’t want the responsibility to pick the more suitable parent but  it is absolutely necessary for them to do so.  

Let me give some examples of the nighmare that I am currently living.  Every Saturday at 7pm I meet my ex halfway to pick up my girls.   Every Wednesday he picks up the girls from school.   So it’s always me waiting for him to show up with the girls.

Last Saturday, I got to our halfway point 2 minutes before 7:00.  I waited and waited until about 7:15 (when I am legally allowed to drive away.  But I don’t because I’m the one waiting for the kids).   At 7:15 I called both numbers that I have for my ex.  No surprise, I got no answer;  just his voice mail and an answering machine at his parent’s house.  (He’s lived with his parents ever since we split up 5 years ago.)  I waited even longer until 7:40 when his father called to tell me that they are having “car trouble” and he doesn’t know how or when he could get to me.  I asked him where they were so I could pick up the girls and he said he didn’t know yet and would try to find out and call me back.  By 8:05 I got no phone call so I left. 

The next morning my ex calls me and says I have to come and get them at his house because their car had to get towed.  So, after driving 32 miles to his house I finally picked up the kids.  On the way home the girls tell me about their horrible experience the night before.  Kaitlyn said her and Britney got to ride in a cop car.  The story seemed very spotty like it was missing key pieces of information but Kaitlyn said they got pulled over because “the sticker on the back of their car said 2008”.  She said her Dad told her he forgot to put a 2009 sticker on it.  Britney then said that her Dad told her not to tell me what happened.  I explained how that is a form of lying and that it’s not nice that their Dad asks them to lie.  She said he didn’t want me to know that he and his brother (who was driving) gave different names to the police officer.  I told them that lying to the police can get them arrested and it’s very serious.   Kaitlyn said the police officer gave them a ride to a gas station and then they had to walk the rest of the way home.   After they went to bed that night I checked online and found that he and his brother both have suspended licenses.

That was last week.  Then today, as I’m walking from room to room collecting dirty clothes to throw in the laundry Kaitlyn asks me if I’ve ever seen the movie, “The Haunting”.  I said no because I don’t watch scary movies and then I asked her if she had and she said both her and Britney were forced to watch it on Friday.

I asked what she meant by that and she told me that her ‘Mammaw’ was on the couch in the living room and she told them to watch it with her.  Kaitlyn said when she got up to go to her room her ‘Mammaw’ told her no and to sit back down.  I told her that no one has the right to make her do something she doesn’t want to do.  I asked her why she didn’t tell her father what was going on and she said she didn’t want to cause a fight.   This is a 7 year old little girl who already is holding back her feelings for other people’s best interest!

So, these two incidents are only a week apart.  Just imagine everything I’ve gone through in the past 5 years.  And I can’t do anything about the situation.  If anyone has gone through something similar or knows someone who has please let me know. 

I took him back to court three years ago and Judge Potts made a ruling last year that she was keeping our joint custody.  At first, when I found out we had a female judge I was ecstatic, but this woman is so flaky.  When I was on the stand she had solitaire on her computer screen!  I am not kidding.  True story.

In her rulings, she would state things like she didn’t have any evidence to support the fact that he was keeping the girls out of school or tardy when the attendance records showing exactly this were admitted into evidence.  Nothing she did or said made any sense.  It’s as if she could not recall what was said in the court room before she made her ruling.   Not to mention, she would keep extending him another chance after he would miserably screw up. 

He failed to show for his deposition, he failed to call the custody evaluator and he lied on the stand over and over again.  She held a hearing because he was in contempt of court and he showed up 13 minutes late to that hearing!  She did nothing during that hearing but order him to call the parenting coordinator and to appear at his deposition.  Meanwhile, I’m paying $1500 just for my attorney to show up. 

I could write about so many things but that’s not why I’m writing this post.  I’m writing this post in an effort to vent and find a positive route to take from here.  I have tried everything short of running off to another country with the children.  Nothing has worked.  What do I do?   Anyone have any suggestions besides ‘hang in there’? 

My arms are tied.

Visit my other posts about joint custody, parenting coordinators and child custody evaluators here.

What a Day

What a rough day.  Where do I start?  Ugh! 

First, my plan of waking up at 6am to go run this morning fell to the waist-side after Frankie woke up hungry at 2am.  Evidently, he is entering a growth spurt and requires more food at dinner time!  So when I went back to bed I “adjusted” my alarm clock to go off an hour later than originally planned.

Then, on the way to dropping the girls off at school Kaitlyn decides to (tattle)tell me that Britney got in trouble at school again last week on “Dad’s” day and they have forgotten to tell me this little tidbit of information.  This is so upsetting because she got in trouble with me for doing the very same behavior not even a week ago. 

Later, the girls’ father calls to tell me he will not be able to meet me at the post office this afternoon to get the girl’s passport applications underway because he is too busy.  (This is the second time we’ve planned on a day and he has failed to follow through).  This isn’t going to hurt me – it hurts the girls.  We are trying to plan a Disney cruise for our family trip this summer and I didn’t know that you need passports to go on  a cruise even if the cruise is to Alaska or Hawaii!  Bummer, because it doesn’t look like this is going to get done in time to do this.

And lastly, the “parenting coordinator” assigned to our case emailed my ex and I asking for yet another appointment where she can hammer out our issues.  To bring my readers up to speed ~ this parenting coordinator was ordered by the court July 25th, 2008 to meet with us and modify any/all arrangements she deems necessary for the children.  My first complaint was that he is working Mon-Fri and sometimes Saturdays.  I am not.  Therefore, I should have the children Mon-Fri and at least one weekend a month.

Fortunately for me, she whole-heartedly agrees with me.  But just as all others do, is rewarding my ex with another chance … after chance … after chance to redeem himself.  Yet, if this were me playing these games I doubt the court system would be so lacksadaisical.

So what am I supposed to say to that?  No?  Of course not.  I have to play by the rules because I’m hoping that someday it will benefit me. 

This just in!!!  As I am blogging, I get a glimpse of the latest email in the corner of my screen coming from the parenting coordinator that my ex husband has not paid her a dime and that if a report is sent to the court that all her fees must be paid in advance! 

Beautiful.  It only gets better.  For any Dads that might be reading this (and my last post which angered many of them) I am sure that you are of better standards than my ex.  My ex has lived with his parents since we split (5 years ago), does not have a vehicle, has not helped me with any doctor vistits or cavity fillings.  Also, I NEVER asked for child support or any other support for that matter before or after we divorced.  I know how important fathers are in their children’s lives.   I was lucky to have an outstanding father which is why I never tried for sole custody to begin with.

Anyways, my ex was also ordered by the court to have insurance for the girls and has only done so for a total combined 2 of the last 5 years.  I could go on and on.  This is not the upstanding father that I am dealing with here.   The girls even call him by his first name because that is how he is addressed at his home by his parents!  Tell me that wouldn’t be demeaning to all you Dads out there?  It’s awful.

It’s only 2pm!  Can I go to bed and just call it a day?  Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day.

Young Women Need to Be Selective not Selected

As you know, if you’ve read my very first post, that I share joint custody of my two girls with my ex.  Just recently, the jerk that is my ex husband decided to quit working so that his parenting time wouldn’t be reduced to only weekends.  This resulted in the judge ’awarding’ us 50/50 parenting time.  So now, I have the girls from Saturday to Wednesday (4 nights) and he has Wednesday to Saturday (3 nights). 

It is awful.  He picks up the girls after school on Wednesdays so that we do not have to interact with each other.  Which is great, however, it gives me only an hour with them in the morning at the breakfast table before school.

Whenever I drop them off at school and I drive home it’s like a deafening silence.  The girls were just in the car with me singing and passing the lip gloss around and then all of a sudden within a matter of seconds they’re gone . . . and I don’t see them again for 3 days. 

Oh and did I mention that he has since gone back to work.  He doesn’t get home now til 7pm and his parents pick up the girls from school and babysit them until he gets home.

I would not wish this feeling on anyone.   It is by far the worst thing I’ve ever had to endure.  Yes, even worse than the stressful process of trying to get divorced.

Anyways, the point of this post today is if I could reach at least one young woman who is very anxiously awaiting the hot date she has this weekend to remember one thing:  Don’t hope that he selects you – be the one doing the selecting!

Because that is my message.  We women, and yes I have felt this way too, get so excited and hope that the guy ’picks’ us that we forget that the whole thing is up to us. 

We sit back and constantly complain about these men in our lives but we’re the ones that picked them.   Set your standards high and then uphold them!   Be picky!  Because if you don’t you will wake up one day in my very same shoes!

We need to value ourselves above any relationship we might have.  When I was 18, I was lost (like most 18 years olds).  I didn’t know what the heck I wanted to do with my life or where I would be in 5 years.  And because I didn’t, the first guy that I “let” come into my life was my ex.  I didn’t have the wisdom to know what I wanted out of life yet or more importantly, what I didn’t want in my life.   If it were now and a person like him came up to me I wouldn’t give him the time of day. 

It did take me 2 months of him asking me out to give him a chance.  I told him over and over that he was way too young for me (even though he was a year older).  I liked older guys and I didn’t know why.  I was still a virgin at the time.  And every guy I tried to date wanted to have sex on the first date!  At least I had enough sense back then not to but that was just Catholic guilt engraved into my head!

A couple months later after he so patiently waited, I lost my virginity to him.  He was unlike all the other guys so I really thought he was a keeper.   Long story short, 3 years after having the high school kind of relationship I never had I got pregnant. 

I don’t regret the decisions I made.  I am not in the business of doing that.  My message is to look at dating in a new way.  Have fun but don’t get serious with anyone until you have dated them for at least a year and a half.  And don’t even think of getting married if you’re still in your twenties! 

If I had stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids (that’s garbage by the way!) like so many people do I would not be where I am today.  I have a healthy relationship with someone whom I love, trust and admire and now I have the family I always wanted.