Discipline and Co-parenting

Disciplining children can be hard enough as it is in a traditional family.  But add divorce, joint custody and getting remarried to the equation and it makes it even more difficult.

The girl’s father was very lazy, nothing bothered him and it took pulling teeth and ultimatums to get him to lift a finger.  Now I’m in a relationship that is quite the opposite:  Frank does things way before I even need to ask.  The problem with this type of personality though is that he is ‘Johnny on the Spot’ when it comes to my girls and the proper discipline.

I’m from the school that no one disciplines your children except their own parents (unless of course they’re staying at someone else’s home and the parents aren’t around). 

Frank is from the school that anyone can and should take matters into their own hands.  [I don't mean literally.  Neither one of us has never laid a hand on any of the kids.]

For example, this just happened the other day, Frank and I stayed up way later than we normally do watching movies and then the following morning Frankie woke up and we didn’t hear him cry.  Kaitlyn’s room is right next to his so she went in his room, took him out of his crib and brought the baby into her room to play with the idea that she was helping us out. 

Me, being the lover of all things sleep, loved this.  I’ve allowed her to do this in the past, either by me asking her to go get him or vice versa so I’ve seen her take him out of the crib many times and she’s never had a problem.  Plus, if she had a hard time taking him out and accidentally hurt his legs or something he would not hesitate to cry.  But that scenario has never happened.

So I wake up with Frank walking into our room with the baby and he said “Did you know Kaitlyn takes the baby out of the crib?”  I said yes and thought that would be the end of it.  He then says “I don’t want her taking him out of the crib unless she asks us first and we say its ok”.  To which I replied ok and went back to sleep.

The next day as we’re all sitting around the table having lunch and Kaitlyn tells Frank something funny that happened that morning and Frank asked if she got the baby out of the crib.  Her and I both said yes.  He got pretty upset and said he didn’t want her to do it anymore.  I told him I recalled that he didn’t want her to do it without getting permission first.  He then said no, he doesn’t want her doing it at all.  He explained that he doesn’t feel she’s strong enough and didn’t think it was a good idea.  Then I got upset that he was doing this in front of the children and not allowing me a say in this.  I explained that if the baby was getting hurt he would cry as she was pulling him out of the crib, etc.

The most frustrating aspect of all of this is that he and I (like all parents) are supposed to be a united front.  So we can’t argue about it in front of the children.  But at the same time, pressing issues need to be dealt with immediately so the kids understand the consequences of their actions right away.

The other reason this hit home a little too much is because just a couple weeks ago, the girl’s father told me that the girls tell him that I do ‘whatever Frank says’.  This absolutely boggled my mind, first, because supposedly it came from the girls and second, I do not do as I’m told.  I never have.  So this was a complete shocker.  Now I know that my ex loves to say stuff to get under my skin and he never has a nice thing to say about Frank but the thing that cut to the core of me was wondering if that was really the girl’s perception of me?  Now I know they’re only 7 and 6 but still.  He also told me that the girls tell him that I make Frank his dinner and his drinks.  I told my ex that this is coming from our children and that I make dinner and get drinks for everyone.  I also added that I used to make dinner and drinks for him and I too when we were together.  It was then that he realized what I was saying (or at least pretended to).

So after this heated moment at the dinner table all of these thoughts started running through my mind.  And all I kept wondering was what the girls were thinking.  So since Frank raised his voice I decided to raise mine.  I told him “I did not appreciate him talking to me that way, especially in front of the children and I wanted an apology.”  He started to apologize right then but I said I wasn’t done yet.  I then said “if you have a problem with how I do things around here talk to me about it behind closed doors where we can resolve it between the two of us.”  He told me (in front of the children) that I was right and that he was sorry… and then everyone was silent for the next few minutes.

Now this isn’t, of course, the least or worst of examples.  It was just the most recent.  We’ve always had this problem about discipline.  He thinks I’m not consistent enough and I think he’s too harsh.  We’ve been to plenty of parenting classes due to horrendous allegations by my ex where we learned that you have to tell a child 2000 times each behavior you’re trying to correct. 

Last month, my youngest daughter got all her toys taken away by Frank because he’s had to tell her too many times to pick up her toys after she’s done playing with them.  And he did this when I wasn’t home.  Now I understand that there should have been some form of consequence but I thought taking away all her toys was way over the top.  I also don’t think that he, being the soon-to-be-Stepdad, should be the disciplinarian.  And many counselors and other people in the field we’ve spoken to agree with me on that.

But he disagrees.  He doesn’t believe he should’ve waited til I got home to let me handle it.

Anyways, the point of me sharing this is to try and figure out if I’m alone in this.  I can’t be.  But does every blended family household go through this?  Or anything remotely similar?  Did anyone grow up in a broken home?  What were your experiences?  How would you have handled either scenario differently?

Date Night In San Francisco

If you have read anything about myself or my family you already know that we are big believers of “date night”.   For us, it is one of the many secrets that keep our bond strong.  For a few hours we get to laugh, have good conversation and have some alone time with no kids around. 

Two Friday nights ago Frank and I had a wonderful date night.  It was probably one of the best ones in a long time.  The date nights that we don’t plan usually end up being the better ones.  We had a wonderful dinner at a greek restaurant and then we went and saw the movie, The Hangover.

But this last Friday night was spent in San Francisco.  I had no idea we were going anywhere so this was a big surprise.  Frank told me last Monday that I needed to start packing for 3 days away.  I was so excited.  I’m a big fan of being surprised.

This is the second trip to San Francisco since we’ve been together.   For our date night we went to Fisherman’s Wharf and ate at one of our favorite restaurants, Aliotos.  I know it’s a tourist trap there which is exactly how we first found the place.  They treat you like family when you’re there and the clam chowder is delicious!  Then we walked around Pier 39.  I also had the lobster risotto which was amazing (I just passed the mushrooms over to Frank).

While we were there we also went to Monterey and Carmel.  Something we didn’t get a chance to do the last time.  We also visited his cousin and her family that live 40 minutes north of the city and we fell in love with the cute little town.  In fact, we were trying to think of a way we could move there.

We stayed at Parc 55 which is right in the garment district (Union Square).  It was hard to find at first only because of all the one way streets and also because the GPS on our phones wasn’t working well because of all the tall buildings!  But that was actually pretty funny!  We were on the 25th floor with an amazing bay view.  (see below)

 

Next time we come hopefully it will be to take the California real estate test and we can start marketing in the northern California area.

Help! I’m In Love With a Workaholic

Does anyone have a workaholic spouse?  I want to know some ideas on how to deal.  If you have any please share them with me.

I am not lazy but if you compare me to my 15 hour work-day fiance some would probably say I am!

He has a determination that I haven’t seen in anyone before.  While I love and admire it, sometimes it’s also the thing I despise most about him.

He is an entrepreneur inside and out.  He has never worked for anyone but his own father.  He is a type ‘A’ personality through and through.  I am the laid back one.  The one who doesn’t get easily upset about anything (for the most part).

Whenever his phone rings, he has to answer it no matter where we are or what we’re doing.  Countless times we’ve been out to dinner and in the middle of a conversation and his phone rings.  I can’t stand it.  It drives me crazy.  But I also know that it’s business.  It’s what puts food on the table so I just deal with it.

He wakes up at 5am every day and is tired by 9pm.  Doesn’t leave much time for anything after the kids go to bed at 8:00.  We do have date night every Friday which keeps me going but lately our date nights have been pretty dull.  We go out to dinner and by the time we pay the bill he’s ready to call it a day.

I know he works so hard so that I don’t have to and so that I can be home with the kids.  I am so grateful to him for that but it’s also very lonely.  Even though he’s here during the day we don’t talk and hardly see each other because he’s in his office.

Can anyone give me some solutions?  What do you do?  I meet with friends for lunch occasionally but don’t make a routine of it because I feel guilty when he’s working his butt off. 

Young Women Need to Be Selective not Selected

As you know, if you’ve read my very first post, that I share joint custody of my two girls with my ex.  Just recently, the jerk that is my ex husband decided to quit working so that his parenting time wouldn’t be reduced to only weekends.  This resulted in the judge ’awarding’ us 50/50 parenting time.  So now, I have the girls from Saturday to Wednesday (4 nights) and he has Wednesday to Saturday (3 nights). 

It is awful.  He picks up the girls after school on Wednesdays so that we do not have to interact with each other.  Which is great, however, it gives me only an hour with them in the morning at the breakfast table before school.

Whenever I drop them off at school and I drive home it’s like a deafening silence.  The girls were just in the car with me singing and passing the lip gloss around and then all of a sudden within a matter of seconds they’re gone . . . and I don’t see them again for 3 days. 

Oh and did I mention that he has since gone back to work.  He doesn’t get home now til 7pm and his parents pick up the girls from school and babysit them until he gets home.

I would not wish this feeling on anyone.   It is by far the worst thing I’ve ever had to endure.  Yes, even worse than the stressful process of trying to get divorced.

Anyways, the point of this post today is if I could reach at least one young woman who is very anxiously awaiting the hot date she has this weekend to remember one thing:  Don’t hope that he selects you – be the one doing the selecting!

Because that is my message.  We women, and yes I have felt this way too, get so excited and hope that the guy ’picks’ us that we forget that the whole thing is up to us. 

We sit back and constantly complain about these men in our lives but we’re the ones that picked them.   Set your standards high and then uphold them!   Be picky!  Because if you don’t you will wake up one day in my very same shoes!

We need to value ourselves above any relationship we might have.  When I was 18, I was lost (like most 18 years olds).  I didn’t know what the heck I wanted to do with my life or where I would be in 5 years.  And because I didn’t, the first guy that I “let” come into my life was my ex.  I didn’t have the wisdom to know what I wanted out of life yet or more importantly, what I didn’t want in my life.   If it were now and a person like him came up to me I wouldn’t give him the time of day. 

It did take me 2 months of him asking me out to give him a chance.  I told him over and over that he was way too young for me (even though he was a year older).  I liked older guys and I didn’t know why.  I was still a virgin at the time.  And every guy I tried to date wanted to have sex on the first date!  At least I had enough sense back then not to but that was just Catholic guilt engraved into my head!

A couple months later after he so patiently waited, I lost my virginity to him.  He was unlike all the other guys so I really thought he was a keeper.   Long story short, 3 years after having the high school kind of relationship I never had I got pregnant. 

I don’t regret the decisions I made.  I am not in the business of doing that.  My message is to look at dating in a new way.  Have fun but don’t get serious with anyone until you have dated them for at least a year and a half.  And don’t even think of getting married if you’re still in your twenties! 

If I had stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids (that’s garbage by the way!) like so many people do I would not be where I am today.  I have a healthy relationship with someone whom I love, trust and admire and now I have the family I always wanted. 

Nothing Feels Better Than Family

2008 was a hard year for millions of people.  Many of us probably are still struggling with finances and wondering if our jobs are safe.

What better time is it to reconnect with our families?  Spend more time at home playing games with your kids or just go for a walk with them.   Read books, go outside or just ’hang out’ with them?  What would your children say to you if you were 100% there for them with no distractions? 

The next time they go to their room, go with them and just be there for them.  Just sit there with them and do nothing but watch them until they start interacting with you. 

Depending on their age they might hand you a toy (2-3 year olds), they might want you to play ‘make believe’ with them (4-5 year olds), or they might just say something so astoundingly astute to you such as ”our democracy is a great thing, except for the part about letting anyone vote” (6-7 year olds).  And yes,  my 7 1/2 year old daughter really said that.  It was last October during election season!  We laughed so hard.

Anywho, what do you think your children would say to you if they noticed you sitting there for 5 minutes just totally focused on them?

Remember when our children were babies and we would just sit on the floor with them and watch them explore?  Remember their sincere delight when they noticed you were sitting there just for them?  Our children still need that closeness. 

Something that I found that works really well to break the ice is right after dinner go around the table and start with the youngest and play the ‘high/low’ game.  Their high is what made them smile the most that day, and their low is what made them sad or unhappy that day.  I wish I could take credit for this idea but I can’t.  It came from the movie “Story of Us” with Michelle Pheifer and Bruce Willis.  Love that movie and I still cry every time I watch it!

Also, don’t neglect your spouse.  They need one on one time as well.  Get the kids to bed a little earlier tonight and make a separate dinner under candle light for just the 2 of you.

I’m feeling a little mushy tonight because today we had a family photo shoot with the photographer who’s going to shoot our wedding.  It was supposed to be an engagement session but we already got that done so we wanted to include the kids.

We met Jennifer from O’Grace Photography at the Fairmont Scottsdale Princess

                                                            

and she took some really great photos.  She’s big on candid shots and so am I so I can’t wait to see all the images.  I’ll post some once I get them.

Have a great week everyone!                                                  

The Power of a Shared Laugh

Happy Saturday!

So last night, in all attempts to redeem ourselves from last week, we decided laughter would be the best medicine.  Yesterday morning I was listening to the radio (the Johnjay and Rich morning show to be exact) and every Friday they let the headlining comedian of the Tempe Improv give a little shameless plug for their show that weekend.   Normally, it gets a little chuckle out of me.

But yesterday morning I get in the car to go get my Starbucks and as soon as I get in the car the comedian starts saying “wouldn’t it be nice if we could order a spouse the same way we order our Starbucks – Yes, I’d like a tall, only half bi-polar and . . . nonfat”!   I started laughing out loud in my car!  So I called my friend and asked if her and her hudband wanted to join us for dinner and the show.  She thought it sounded like a great idea. 

Then I called Frank with our plan for date night. 

Turns out – it was a great idea.  It was very funny.  Christopher Titus is superb.  We sat right up front and all 4 of us loved every minute of it. 

                                                       

It was fantastic.  I have a new favorite comedian!    There were some moments that hit home a little too much like his divorce, and trying to raise kids with joint custody.  But that only added to his likeability.  I found myself trying to hold back tears and a split second later I’m laughing again. He said a few times that his routine would either make your current relationship stronger or break you up.  Then he would say “either way – you’re welcome!’

Frickin Hilarious!  I would encourage everyone to go see him or buy his DVD.  I know this seems like a nice little advertisement for him but I don’t mind!  Just givin’ a little love!

My friend said she had a very stressful week at work and this week for Frank and I was also a bit stress-filled but when the 4 of us left last night we were all smiling.

Never underestimate the power of a shared laugh.  It rejuvenates the soul. 

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.  ~Victor Borge