Elements of Fitness – A Mother's Memoir

Young Women Need to Be Selective not Selected

As you know, if you’ve read my very first post, that I share joint custody of my two girls with my ex.  Just recently, the jerk that is my ex husband decided to quit working so that his parenting time wouldn’t be reduced to only weekends.  This resulted in the judge ‘awarding’ us 50/50 parenting time.  So now, I have the girls from Saturday to Wednesday (4 nights) and he has Wednesday to Saturday (3 nights). 

It is awful.  He picks up the girls after school on Wednesdays so that we do not have to interact with each other.  Which is great, however, it gives me only an hour with them in the morning at the breakfast table before school.

Whenever I drop them off at school and I drive home it’s like a deafening silence.  The girls were just in the car with me singing and passing the lip gloss around and then all of a sudden within a matter of seconds they’re gone . . . and I don’t see them again for 3 days. 

Oh and did I mention that he has since gone back to work.  He doesn’t get home now til 7pm and his parents pick up the girls from school and babysit them until he gets home.

I would not wish this feeling on anyone.   It is by far the worst thing I’ve ever had to endure.  Yes, even worse than the stressful process of trying to get divorced.

Anyways, the point of this post today is if I could reach at least one young woman who is very anxiously awaiting the hot date she has this weekend to remember one thing:  Don’t hope that he selects you – be the one doing the selecting!

Because that is my message.  We women, and yes I have felt this way too, get so excited and hope that the guy ‘picks’ us that we forget that the whole thing is up to us. 

We sit back and constantly complain about these men in our lives but we’re the ones that picked them.   Set your standards high and then uphold them!   Be picky!  Because if you don’t you will wake up one day in my very same shoes!

We need to value ourselves above any relationship we might have.  When I was 18, I was lost (like most 18 years olds).  I didn’t know what the heck I wanted to do with my life or where I would be in 5 years.  And because I didn’t, the first guy that I “let” come into my life was my ex.  I didn’t have the wisdom to know what I wanted out of life yet or more importantly, what I didn’t want in my life.   If it were now and a person like him came up to me I wouldn’t give him the time of day. 

It did take me 2 months of him asking me out to give him a chance.  I told him over and over that he was way too young for me (even though he was a year older).  I liked older guys and I didn’t know why.  I was still a virgin at the time.  And every guy I tried to date wanted to have sex on the first date!  At least I had enough sense back then not to but that was just Catholic guilt engraved into my head!

A couple months later after he so patiently waited, I lost my virginity to him.  He was unlike all the other guys so I really thought he was a keeper.   Long story short, 3 years after having the high school kind of relationship I never had I got pregnant. 

I don’t regret the decisions I made.  I am not in the business of doing that.  My message is to look at dating in a new way.  Have fun but don’t get serious with anyone until you have dated them for at least a year and a half.  And don’t even think of getting married if you’re still in your twenties! 

If I had stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids (that’s garbage by the way!) like so many people do I would not be where I am today.  I have a healthy relationship with someone whom I love, trust and admire and now I have the family I always wanted. 


April 29, 2009 - Posted by | About Me, Being a Mom, Children, Divorce | , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. I think most of your advice is sound, but to advise people not to marry until after their 20s is just silly. It may not have been right for you, and yet it may still be right for someone else.

    Comment by burnice | April 29, 2009 | Reply

  2. Maybe it’s you?

    Why is it that women whine so much about the “crappy” men in their lives, as if there is absolutely no fault of their own. When was the last time you ever heard a woman talk about HER faults causing the problems? Is it ALWAYS the man? When the break up occurs, she rushes out to tell everyone and their uncle about how bad “he” was(is).

    Then you go on about making it sound as if every man has a secret plan to destoy a woman’s life and we all know about it ahead of time.. this “innocence” you refer to.. MEN have that too, until it is ripped from us.. much like it is ripped from you.

    We’re not all evil vigin taking unfeeling dogs…

    We (women and men) are all the same, we ALL need to be more picky, perhaps your ex should have been a little more picky?

    But then again, you should be glad you met him.. not waxing poetic about “regrets” because at the core of this…without him.. you’d be nothing would you?

    Can you imagine your life without your girls? Because it’s obvious he can’t either. And you bash him like you’re the only one who should have the girls in their life.. like YOU are the sole deserved.

    Woman are entirely too self centered.

    Comment by Eric | April 29, 2009 | Reply

    • To Eric, please see that I am not whining and complaining at all. If you can recall, I was grateful and thankful for where I have been so that I recognize how happy I am now. I am also thankful that my girls have a father that loves them.

      If anything I was bashing myself and any woman who is going about life the same way I did!

      Also, you don’t have a clue what I have been through that led to my divorce so please do not sit here and “bash” me. In my post, I clearly expressed who my target audience is so maybe you should read it again and look at it in a different light as in that I am trying to shed some light and help others.

      Comment by C | April 29, 2009 | Reply

  3. […] my other posts about joint custody, parenting coordinators and child custody evaluators here. Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)What a DayTimes have changed…Teen Non Fiction […]

    Pingback by My Arms Are Tied « A Mother’s Memoir | May 24, 2009 | Reply

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